If Peruvian car horns could speak…

taxi_cartoon

There is not a moments peace here for all the taxi´s honking their horns. After over three weeks here riding in colectivos everyday I have finally decoded what the honks are saying and split them into five categories:

When attracting a new customer:
“Hello, you… yes you! I´m over here, that´s right on the other side of the road. I know I´m going in the wrong direction and you´ve turned down 10 other taxis, but look baby, I´m not like them… I could be the taxi of your dreams! I´ll do a U-ey for you… look now we´re on the same side of the road. How about it?! Go on…  you know you want to really 😉 ”

Expressing approval of a “Linda/Guapa/Gringa”:
“Oi! You! Fitty! Check this out, the guy who´s pressing my button… he´s got a face like a dribbling pervert and you really ought to see it!”

When releasing frustration:
“Why the hell aren´t we moving! Oi, idiot infront… I dont give a toss if you´re stuck in traffic, find a way, there must be a way. Just move…MOVE!”

Having found a way out of traffic:
“Wahey! Check me out baby. I´m driving down the wrong side of the carriageway. Yeah, thats right oncoming cars… I´m driving towards you so you´d better get the hell out of my way! Oi, you suckers stuck in traffic, look at me. I might be about to die, but at least I´m moving… anyway look I´ve got Jesus here with me, I´m going to heaven!”

When serving a general warning to the public:
“I´m driving like a mad man and there´s nothing you can do to stop me! I´m not slowing down and I sure as hell ain´t stopping… so come close at your own peril. Anyway, I started honking first so it´s my right of way… yeah, that´s right puta, you just stay where you are. I´m the King of this road!”

Needless to say, I find the colectivos a little stressful…